A groundskeeper in the UK is currently suffering the worst embarrassment a groundskeeper can suffer:  he mistook weed killer for water, and sprayed it over more than half the golf course before noticing his error.

Oops.

Even Bill Murray is a better groundskeeper than this guy.

The club members are upset, seeing as how they’ll have to play on mud for the rest of the year.  I guess that makes sense.

But it’s an honest-enough mistake.

Or it’s not.

You make the call.  Either way, this fellow is sure to wind up as the groundskeeper of a Putt Putt or parking lot.

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If any more proof was needed as to the other-worldliness of Mr. Tiger Woods… we got it this weekend. Anyone who saw his gritty performance on day 3 of the 2008 US Open will, I’m willing to bet, never forget it for the rest of their lives.

People will be telling their grandkids about “the time Tiger took the lead with one leg tied behind his back.”

With 6 holes to go, he was 5 strokes back. At the end of that third round, he was one shot in the lead. Oh, and every single swing–every step, every mile–had him wincing in pain. See, a mere 8 weeks ago, Tiger had knee surgery.

Most people thought he was crazy to try and play such a grueling course as Torey Pines so soon after that procedure.

And almost as soon as his first tee shot, the announcers and fans began searching out any evidence that the knee was bothering him. They didn’t have to wait long to find it.

People, on Saturday, on one of the last tees, Tiger nearly fell over after his shot and had to steady himself with his hand for a few seconds. The guy was clearly in serious pain, yet contending for the lead in a major tournament. Curt Schilling’s bloody sock has nothing on Woods!

Here’s a compilation of highlights from his inspirational round on Saturday:

Then, yesterday (Sunday), he struggled some more. Everyone struggled, really. But Tiger was the only one fighting his knee as well as the course.

With Rocco Mediate at 1-under in the clubhouse, Tiger needed a birdie on 18 to force a tie. And you don’t have to be the amazing Kreskin to know how it turned out:

As happy as Tiger is to have forced a playoff, it’s probably the last thing his knee needed. The US Open is unique in that they break a tie not with sudden death… but with an entire 18-hole round the next day.

Honestly, is there anyone that thinks this tournament would have been remotely close if Tiger had two good legs? Here is a guy about as crippled as a golfer can be, unable to use a lot of his signature shots due to pain, and he bested every single able-bodied golfer in the field save one.

Tiger and Rocco tee off today at 12:00noon Eastern. And I feel bad for Mr. Mediate. You thought there was a lot of pressure yesterday?! Think again.

Tiger can shoot 18 over today and lose miserably, and no one can take anything away from the way he added to his legend this weekend. The guy is simply amazing. Anyone you catch downplaying or diminishing the greatness of Tiger’s play this weekend is either someone that has never played golf or someone that is just plain stupid.

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For the past five years, Sports Illustrated has been putting out something it calls the Fortunate 50 List.   It ranks the 50 highest-paid athletes–breaking their earnings down by salary and endorsements.

And the biggest surprise is… golfers freaking rule!

Tiger is number one, as anyone with half a brain would have guessed.  Nearly $23 Million in salary (winnings) in 2007, and a whopping $105 Million in endorsements.  (Honestly, does he even need to actually keep playing golf?)   So combined that’s $128 Million in earnings last year.  Folks, Tiger is going to be a billionaire very, very soon.

So second on the list is Phil Mickelson.

Wait–what?!

On a list of all athletes, sorted by earnings, Mickelson is #2?  Who’d of thunk it?

But it’s true.  He earned about $10 Million in tournaments, and another $53 Million in endorsements.  Okay… everyone take a moment and contemplate that… I’ll wait right here…

Okay, is your mind completely blown now?  Good.

Moving on… the rest of the top 10, in order, are LeBron James, Floyd Mayweather Jr., Kobe Bryant, Shaquille O’Neil, Alex Rodriguez, Kevin Garnett, Peyton Manning, & Derek Jeter.  Not one of those guys has a combined (salary & endorsements) earning over $41 Million.  Which means that Phil Mickelson makes more from just endorsements than all but one other athlete in the world makes in total income.

Am I the only one completely flabbergasted to learn this?  Who knew golfers were pulling in so much endorsement cash? No wonder Mickelson always has that cocky smile on his face.

There is only one other golfer in the top 50–Jim Furyk ($5 Million in salary, $11 Million in endorsements).  Yeah, Furyk made $11 Million in endorsements last year.

I would never have guessed that golfer endorsements were that lucrative.  But it kind of makes sense.  Golf fans are, by and large, golfers themselves.  So we want to buy the equipment we see our tour pros using.  And with tens of millions of golfers across the US, the manufacturers can afford to pay huge dollar endorsement contracts because they sell so much golf swag every year.  By contrast, most NFL fans are not playing football every week… they have no reason to buy football equipment like helmets and pads.

So that’s the one big difference.  Golfer endorsements are most often with companies that make golf gear.  Other athlete endorsements are usually products with no direct tie to their sport.

Either way, there is one undeniable conclusion to all this:  golfers totally rule over other athletes (who totally drool).

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The Masters, the most celebrated and storied of the four major PGA tournaments, began this morning around 9:00am.  Vegas has Tiger Woods at even odds to win the whole thing, and that sounds about right.  I think if you offered me a bet between taking Tiger or the rest of the entire field combined… I would still put my money on Tiger. 

He’s hotter than any golfer so far this year, having only played in one tournament he did not win, and he’s mastered Augusta National–no one seems more comfortable on that course. 

We’ll probably have a few Masters/Tiger posts the next few days, but to kick things off I thought I’d start with a video of Tiger’s now-infamous chip-in on 16 from a few years back.  It is the best and most exciting shot in Masters history–maybe in the history of televised golf. 

Enjoy his greatness:

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One of the stupidest, most insipid debates I keep hearing is the argument over Tiger Woods’ status as an athlete.  Just yesterday I heard the ESPN national morning show (I think it was Colin Cowherd) discussing and debating the issue, and it got me a bit fired up.  You see this topic everywhere you look.

The argument goes like this:

Guy A:  Tiger Woods is the greatest athlete of our generation

Guy B:  Well, he’s good and all, but he’s not an athlete.

Guy A:  Why not?  He plays a sport, doesn’t he?

Guy B:  No.  No he doesn’t.  He plays golf.  He walks around a golf course all day hitting a little white ball.  Offensive Lineman in the NFL, by comparison, are true athletes.  The NBA is filled with athletes.  Athlete’s jump and run and have to perform all sorts of physical feats, whereas golfers just walk and swing.  Tiger Woods is a great competitor, he’s highly skilled… but he’s not an athlete. 

Guy A:  You’re a jerk!

See, to me… this is the poster-child for splitting hairs.  It’s a slippery slope kind of thing.  I mean, where do you draw the line?  Is a NASCAR driver an athlete?  How about a cyclist?  Are only basketball, baseball, and football players athletes? 

See, sports talk show hosts love these discussions because there isn’t any hard conclusion.  It’s just a matter of opinion.  And it’s a stupid waste of time. 

For instance, if we can all agree that NFL players are athletes… then what do we do with the kicker?  I mean, he exerts far less physical effort doing his athlete duties than a golfer does.  All the kicker has to do is stand around all game and every so often kick something.  If an NFL kicker is an athlete–and I think that he is–then nearly everyone who has ever kicked anything is one as well. 

In soccer, the goalie does occasionally need to jump to make a save, but mostly he just stands around for 90 minutes getting a sun tan. 

Right Fielders the world over are known for largely standing around and doing nothing all game–that’s why they always put the weakest kids on the Little League team in right field, myself included. 

I also remember lots of talk in sports journalism a few years back, whenever the steroids/Barry Bonds thing was just becoming a huge story… about how steroids don’t help you as a baseball player, because they make you stronger… and baseball players don’t use strength to hit home runs, they use hand-eye coordination.  Anyone else remember that talk? 

So all the analysts who said that must either think that baseball players aren’t athletes or that golfers–who use great amounts of hand-eye coordination to compete–must be athletes after all.

Let’s call on the geniuses over at Merriam-Webster’s dictionary to help us put this silly debate to rest, shall we?  According to them, and athlete is:

“A person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina”

Notice the use of the word “skilled.”  Notice also that people who exercise, as well as anyone using agility or stamina, counts as an athlete.  So, by these parameters, we can say with certainty that golfers–along with NASCAR drivers and a host of others–are definitely athletes.  Race car drivers use stamina.  Gymnasts use agility. 

Now, someone call the honchos over at ESPN and tell them that so I don’t ever have to listen to this ridiculous argument ever again. 

See, what they’re trying to do is appeal to your argumentative nature by suggesting a topic they know the audience is split on (they use the same tactic for the tired “Greatest Quarterback” debates).  Then they instantly get flooded with phone calls from people defending their world view.  Golfers call in and say that golf is a sport… that walking a course and making the perfect golf swing isn’t as easy as it looks.  And the jocks that played defensive tackle on their 3A high school football team call in and say that golfers are sissies… that real athletes need pads and helmets and must be strong.  (Nevermind the fact that Tiger is, by all appearances, stronger than most of us… that dude is ripped.)

In my opinion, those who insist that Tiger isn’t an athlete fall into one of two categories of people:

A: People who played a so-called “tough guy” sport–such as football–and don’t want to see their superiority challenged.  Or…

B: People who generally don’t like to see others succeed, and prefer to tear down anyone who dares to excel. 

A better debate to have–while still being a goofy waste of time–is to argue about what counts as a sport and what doesn’t.  Is chess a sport?  How about cornhole?  Table Tennis?  Disc golf?  Then, after we have this sport issue settled, maybe we can all just agree that if something counts as a sport… then its participants must be athletes. 

Don’t fall for it, people.  It’s a mindless way to fill some radio time.  It’s also a way to avoid having to decide if Tiger’s the best athlete ever… using displacement to distract us into a semantic debate.  “He can’t be the best athlete ever if we successfully classify him as something other than an athlete!” 

Of course Tiger Woods is an athlete.  One of the best to ever live.  He plays a sport.  He exerts energy and relies on agility, strength, body control, and hand-eye coordination… and he does all that better than maybe anyone ever has.  Not that it matters to him.  He’s off buying mansions for $65 Million and cruising in his 155-foot yacht.  I’m sure he’d be fine with the sports community labeling him a “little weenie girl,” as long as he keeps winning every tournament he plays in and raking in tens of millions of dollars in endorsement deals. 

The only people wrapped up in this debate over his “athlete” status are desperate radio hosts, bored newspaper columnists, and mindless sheep like you and me who get suckered into it every time–just as I did here today. 

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Tiger Woods just made a small purchase:  another home.  And not just any home, either. 

The best golfer in the world just bought a $65 Million Mansion in the Hamptons.  So… you might call it a vacation house, I guess. 

Here are the details on the property, from the article:

“Located on exclusive Gin Lane, Tiger Woods’ estate is on nearly six gated acres with a 13,200-square-foot Colonial Revival main residence, a 7,500-square-foot guesthouse and a four-car garage with staff quarters.

The lush grounds feature an oversized seaside pool with spa, a tennis court, a lily pond and professionally groomed gardens. “

Woods has several homes already–and also has a gigantic, 155-foot yacht which he has named “Privacy.”  He even has a planned 16,000 square foot mansion being built on the golf course he designed in Dubai.  Because, apparently, buying or building a multi-million-dollar home is nothing to Tiger.  It’s chump change.  It’s probably on a level of you or I buying a pair of blue jeans. 

And let’s be clear, here.  Even most Hollywood stars can’t afford to just go around dropping $65 Million on houses.  Sure, they have fancy mansions too, but theirs cost closer to $6 or $8 million.  Tigers newest house is ten times that!  He’s on another level entirely from most millionaires.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not ripping on Tiger for buying this house.  What’s a guy to do when he has a few billion lying around?  If I had his money, I’d be buying Hamptons property too, I guess. He’s certainly earned every penny by being a complete robot on the golf course (not to mention his endorsements). 

You can see pictures of his new home here, so you can gape and gawk and get all jealous. 

I think it’s funny how often you hear or see sports analysts talking about whether or not Tiger Woods is technically an “athlete.”  Some folks want to be chippy and say that all he does is swing a club and hit a ball, whereas football players get all physical and manly when they play.  Whatever.  I’m pretty sure Tiger has a nice hearty laugh at these debates… while he’s driving from his $65 Million mansion to the marina so he can go sunning on his ginormous yacht. 

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For those wrapped up in college basketball today… Tiger Woods just won his ninth golf tournament in ten tries, and his fifth straight in this young 2008 season.  He’s won every tournament he’s played in since last September. 

And he didn’t just win.  No, that’s too easy.

He won in pretty spectacular fashion.  Let’s recap how, shall we?

Well, for starters, after the second round… he basically wasn’t in contention.

Then, sometime Saturday morning, he bumped into Arnold Palmer (for whom this tournament is named).  According to Tiger, Arnie was pointed in his comments:  “‘He told me to get off my butt and play a good round,’ Woods said.”

Woods responded with a 66, on a day when many on the leaderboard saw blustery conditions cause a drop in their scores, and ended up in a five-way tie for the lead. 

And today, he kept things interesting… refusing to pull ahead by 5 strokes like everyone thought he would. 

On the final hole, with Bart Bryant at -9 and already in the clubhouse, Tiger decided to make his move.  Despite being 0-for-21 for the tournamnet on putts over 20 feet in length, Tiger drilled his birdie attempt on the 18th hole from 25 feet away for the dramatic win.

Tiger’s a lot like a house cat who catches a bug.

The cat is only interested in the pursuit… in the game being interesting.  Once he’s caught the bug, he’s bored.  So he lets the bug go.  He may even flick at it with his paw, scooting the bug across the floor, encouraging it to make another escape attempt… only to pounce on it once more as soon as it moves.  The bug is so overmatched that the cat has to handicap itself to stay interested. 

That’s how it felt watching Tiger win this tournament. As though Vijay and Bart Bryant were the bugs… lulled into thinking they actually had a shot at winning.  Only to have Tiger’s paw come smashing down on them all with a fairy tale birdie putt on the final hole.  

Oh yeah, he is now also tied with Ben Hogan at 64 career wins—third on the all-time list.

As Tiger walked off the green, cameras caught him bumping into Arnold Palmer himself, who—if my lip reading is any good—smiled broadly and said, “What else is new?” before embracing Woods. 

See, even when Tiger toys with the competition and keeps it close, winning only in spectacular fashion with a final-hole monster birdie putt… it’s still just business as usual.  I’m really not sure if there’s anything he can do to wow us anymore.  He could hit the ball one time off the first tee, and in a cartoon-like way have the ball ricochet and bounce so that it goes in every hole in order, thereby finishing the course with a score of 1… and we’d still some of us yawn and say, “What’s that?  Tiger won again?  Ho hum.” 

He wins so often that we forget:  he is, quite simply, the most extraordinary golfer who ever lived. 

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The Mental Golf Guru is proud to announce a new product:  the “No Birdie” golf balls–yes, they’re real.

Inspired by the now infamous Tripp Isenhour, who recently managed to kill a Red Shouldered Hawk–on purpose!–while filming a golf-related television show, these balls are specifically designed to help you avoid killing protected wildlife. 

You can use these balls just like a regular golf ball–in fact they are real golf balls, made by a nationally-recognized golf ball brand.  Just tee it up, swing away, and breathe easy knowing that using the “No Birdie” ball helps decrease your odds of facing criminal charges for killing hawks, birds, rabbits, and all other wildlife.  Impress your friends and members of your local foursome with your ability to complete 18 holes of golf murder-free.  You’ll be the talk of the clubhouse.

The “No Birdie” golf balls are reasonably priced at $45 a dozen, $500 for 12 dozen (a discount for bulk purchase!).  Hey, buying a dozen Nike or Titleist balls in your local pro shop can run you that much–and those pro shop balls weren’t engineered to specifically help you prevent animal cruelty.  Imagine the conversations this ball will help you start–all while promoting animal rights and all that warm-fuzzy jazz. 

Oh, and the balls have the logo you see in the picture above right on the side of the ball… sweet!

Buy Now:

• One Dozen “No Birdie” Balls
• 12 Dozen “No Birdie” Balls

The payment page is completely secure, so you can feel safe about your admirable purchase.

Please allow 3-4 weeks for the manufacture and shipping of these golf balls.  These are real–the “No Birdie” ball is an actual product that you can purchase today.  You’ll receive a confirmation email after placing your order and we’ll get to work filling that order right away. 

Disclaimer:  “No Birdie” balls are not guaranteed.  Aiming directly at wildlife and repeatedly hitting golf balls at wildlife may result in a direct hit and death of that creature.  Mental Golf Guru is not responsible for any actual wildlife mistreatment or death that comes about through use of these golf balls.  Use at your own risk.  Adding your trademark slice or duck hook to the use of the “No Birdie” balls may still result in the unintended harm of defenseless animals. 

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Maybe one of the most shocking pieces of golf news to come out in years has rocked the PGA:  John Daly, 300+lb. golfer and winner of two major championships, would rather get drunk than play golf. 

I know, I know.  It’s tough to believe.  But we have it straight from a reliable source:  Butch Harmon.  Harmon is Daly’s swing coach.  Well, at least he was.  He used to be.  Recently, though, he quit.  His reason?  And I quote:

“My whole goal for him was he’s got to show me golf is the most important thing in his life,” Harmon said from his golf school in Las Vegas. “And the most important thing in his life is getting drunk.”

Seems that Daly had a minor bit of a meltdown at the recent PODS Championship this past weekend.  During a rain delay, Big John spent a lot of time in the Hooters corporate tent, drinking beer and mingling.  Then he went out and shot a 77.  He followed that up on Friday with an 80.  Listen, I am not lying when I tell you that I could shoot an 80. 

So Daly missed the cut.  But rather than go out and practice the next day–or heck, even going home to mope–Big John says to himself, “Gee, that Hooters corporate tent is probably still hopping.”  So he heads back for more beer, signs some autographs (signing one on a woman’s pants… classy), and just generally hangs out. 

Now, for all I know, it’s common practice for golfers who miss the cut to stick around an extra day so they can schmooze and booze in the tent of a beer and chicken wing joint.  I’m certainly no professional golfer.  But somehow I doubt it. 

Let’s take that superhuman alien robot we know as Tiger Woods as an example.  When was the last time you heard a story about him getting drunk or signing autographs in weird places or anything like that?  Yeah… never.  Because the one or two times Tiger has missed the cut, I’m quite sure he was up at 4am the next day hitting the driving range.  Tiger–the undisputed “winner” in the PGA-cares more about winning golf tournaments than he does about drinking or socializing. 

Daly, well… Daly just doesn’t seem to care about much at all, eh?  I mean, this is a dude who lights up cigarettes on national television in the middle of a tournament round, for Pete’s sake.  This is a man who resembles John Goodman, so he’s obviously no stranger to cheeseburgers.  This is a man with a history of gambling problems, who was married to a woman who got in legal trouble related to a gambling ring.  With Daly it has been scandal after scandal after scandal… all related to one of three things:  women, alcohol, or gambling.  It’s sort of the PGA’s equivalent of “sex, drugs, and rock & roll.” 

But does the PGA really need or want a rock star?  It’s pretty clear Harmon doesn’t think so:

“You don’t see guys who are any good doing that,” he said. “All the guys I work with are working their (tails) off. John didn’t have it. I like the kid, but he’s got to get his head on straight. The partying and other shenanigans, if that’s the way he wants to be, I don’t choose to be a part of it.”

Every day, golfers across this country go out on the links and get drunk while they hack away on their way to an 88.  John Daly does that for a living.  He gets paid to be just like that rowdy foursome you see on every course you’ve ever played.  If you forced him to choose, Daly would rather get drunk than play golf, and sometimes he gets drunk BEFORE he plays golf…and yet he’s still on the PGA Tour.  For that reason alone, he will always be a hero to many.  After all, if a 300 lb. alcoholic gambling addict who smokes can be a professional golfer–without having to score under 80 very often–then there’s hope for you and me yet. 

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This story is stranger than fiction: 

PGA Tour pro Tripp Isenhour killed a bird by intentionally hitting golf balls at it, and now faces charges for animal cruelty for the deed. 

Apparently Isenhour, another in a long line of professional golfers I have never really heard of, is good enough… or at least popular enough to warrant his own TV special–an episode of “Shoot Like A Pro.”  Man, if ever the name of that program was appropriate, right?  Geez.  “Shoot Birds Like A Pro” is more like it. 

So anyway, Isenhour kept getting frustrated at this red-tailed hawk that was squawking about 300 yards away.  Seems they had to do multiple takes because the bird was so loud.  Don’t you hate that?  When you’re filming a golf special and a large bird keeps screaming so loud that you have to do take after take after take?  Me too.

So Tripp (real name: John Henry–yeah, I’d go by Tripp too) got so upset that he started hitting golf balls toward the hawk.  Of course, being so far away, he didn’t come close. 

But later, after they’d changed locations for another shot, the bird was only 75 yards away or so… and still making too much noise for nature-hating Isenhour.  So he reportedly says to the crew around him, “I’ll get him now.”  And he fires another few shots at the bird, one of which struck the bird in the head.  The hawk fell to the ground, with blood coming out of its nostrils, and died. 

You can’t make this stuff up, people. 

Now, there are many angles to this story that I want to cover.

First, this is a horrible shame.  I have relatives that are big bird-watchers who would be crushed by this news.  The red-tailed hawk is a protected migratory species–hence the criminal charges.  This guy will–and should–face all kinds of scorn and resentment for this action.  No question about it.  All humor aside, it’s sad that this man killed this animal in such a needless and cruel way.

That being said, good grief on the blame-game, people.  From the article:

“He just kept saying how he didn’t think he could have hit it, which I think is a stupid thing for a PGA Tour golfer to say,” said Jethro Senger, a sound engineer at the shoot. “He can put a ball in a hole from hundreds of yards away, and here he is hitting line drives at something that’s, I don’t know, a couple hundred feet away?”

What?!  Are you freaking kidding me?  Jethro is clearly someone who has never played golf.  Exactly how easy does he think it is to make a hole-in-one, let alone a hole-out from “hundreds of yards away.” Pick a target 75 yards away from the tee, make that target about a foot tall and about six inches wide, and ask every pro golfer in the world to hit it with a golf shot… I think you’d be lucky to have even one of them hit the target with their ball.  But Jethro makes it sound like golfers are Special Forces Snipers, for Pete’s sake.  It’s so very tempting to make a joke linking Jethro’s name to his ignorance, but I won’t.  Oh crap, guess I just did

Call it what it was:  A lucky shot.  A tragic, unexpected, lucky shot.  However evil you think Isenhour is for this act of animal cruelty, there is no way on God’s green earth that he really thought he could hit that bird.

Also, if you read that article in a careful manner, you will see that Jethro here, who is bashing the tar out of Tripp, was the sound engineer on the shoot.  And a couple sentences later, the article says that none of the 15 crew members (Jethro the sound engineer included) intervened.  But it does say they all felt bad later for not having intervened. 

Awwww.  Isn’t that cute.  They felt bad.  Good for them. 

I’ll tell you why they didn’t intervene:  because they didn’t think Tripp had a chance in Hades of hitting that bird, that’s why. 

Isenhour has officially been charged with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird.  Imagine the job interviews he’ll have in the future:

“Have you ever been convicted of a crime?”

“Well, one time, yes.”

“Oh yeah?  What was the charge?”

“Oh, you know… killing a migratory bird… the usual stuff.” 

I presume he’ll end up with quite a hefty fine–Florida officials have already gone back to the course and dug up the dead bird for evidence–which is reminiscent of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and Kramer dig up the neighbor’s parrot in the pet cemetery in order to retrieve the key from the bird’s stomach.  How many times in your life can you say you dug up a dead bird and had a good reason for it?  Not many, I’m guessing… but maybe that’s just me.

Oh, it’s also hard to talk about this story without remembering the amazing and powerful Randy Johnson, who famously killed a bird with a perfectly timed fast-ball:

(click here if there’s trouble with the embedded video)

Anyway, golfers everywhere should take heed.  Any errant shot into the woods could end up killing wildlife, and you could face official charges.  Certainly don’t go aiming for birds, that’s just been proven to be a bad decision. 

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